It's a wonderful life

Amazed that I am insanely blessed. I feel so overwhelmed with all of these emotions that I can not find words to describe. Is it really fair that I feel this way? I am beside myself!

10-16-07 ~ When we were told that Ethan had tendencies of a child with Trisomy 21 or Down syndrome ~ first came confusion, then the heartbreaks. My husband and I looked at one another as we listened to the doctor's explanations. I thought that how was this possible, genetics disorder? We had our genetics screening prior to going through infertility treatment! I heard genetics, I heard mental delayed, I heard physical delayed and I heard medical complications. All that I heard were negatives and I refused to believe the doctor. I remember seeing the images of my son not being able to play soccer with his daddy nor throw and catch a baseball! I wanted to block what the doctor was saying but it was really difficult to do! The mental delayed did not hit me, just the physical delayed. I don't know why I was focusing more on the physical delays, maybe because when we were told that we were having a boy...all that I was dreaming about was the fact that Van would finally have another male to share his love and knowledge with. I had envision Ethan playing soccer, baseball, karate, run, jump and being just a boy! I knew that I have my little girl to do "girlie" stuff with and now, Van was going to have a boy to do "manly" stuff with. When I think about what was going through my head then, it's a bit silly now! Both Van and I did not know what Trisomy 21 or Down syndrome was. We did not want to believe that there were going to be limitations to our son. I did not want Ethan to not have the same opportunities as others but then I thought again that Ethan would have more of opportunities. I knew what I was capable of and I knew how much Ethan was loved. I was not going to let the fact that Ethan had an extra chromosome determine his fate. I was not going to let this genetics complication define my son.When the doctor said that Ethan was going to be tested, I assured myself that the doctor was wrong. My son was perfect. God gave Ethan to me for a reason! My husband held my hand while I cried my heartbroken cry. All that I was thinking at that moment was to please not let my son feel any pain. I asked God to let my Ethan only feel loved. Not until Ethan was brought into my recovery room did it hit me that Ethan had medical complications. My son was unable to regulate his temperature. He had to be placed in the NICU & the realization hit me like a ton of bricks! I prayed so hard to not let my son be in any pain.

When Ethan held my index finger, I knew that he felt loved. Nothing existed for that moment and I knew that my life was complete. My heart melted and I was grateful that I was giving this blessing on unconditional love! I was given the opportunity to love, nurture, teach and guide my child but it turned out that my child became my teacher. This little boy taught me to smile as if we have a secret, to laugh with no limitations, to love without restrictions, to dance to all music, to open up our hearts to all experiences, to accept & rejoice in our differences, to trust in one another that life is full of surprises, to sing with pure perfection, to jump like we were rabbits, to run like we were tigers, to pretend that we were monkeys, to yell like we were Tarzan, to blow bubbles like we were kissing, to caress so gently, to be so brave through all the rough times, to giggle without stopping, and to be the example so others can emulate! Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude!

Marisa and I were talking about the day the Ethan was born. The images, smells, sounds, feelings, and emotions are still so vivid in my mind. Marisa said that she too remember the vivid details of that day! I asked for Marisa to write them down since it's been three years that our family's been blessed with our little angel. Marisa said that day started out so weird! She said that she remembered how daddy was so stern about Ethan not being born this day. She said that she remember hearing me talk on the phone with my doctor and telling my doctor that I was unsure if my water had burst. She also said that I responded that I did not know if it was urine! We both laughed at this comment! She said that daddy drove her to school and that he was so calm and collected. She said however, that when she heard the PA system announced her name hours later, she knew right away. She said that she felt it in her stomach that her brother was going to be born! I asked for Marisa to write what she remember so that we would have her perspective on this miracle. Marisa said that she could not remember feeling anything when she arrived at the hospital. She just remember being very mad when she had to leave the delivery room because the doctor needed to confirm if Ethan was breached. Marisa said that she wanted to be in the delivery room when Ethan was born. She wanted her brother to see her first, not mommy and not daddy but for Ethan to see her! Of course, Marisa does not have to worry about her brother not seeing her. Ethan adores Marisa with all of his bones. I see how he lights up when she walks into a room. I hear him calling her if she is not next to him. He asks for his sister when she is not home. He cuddles with her every chances that he gets. She is his biggest love and she knows it! Marisa once said that "mommy, I would go to the end of this world for my brother", I believe that she would! How much more can a mother ask for?I wish that I can get my husband to write what was going through his mind too. Thank goodness that I have this in my journal and maybe one day, I'll have time to write from this passage!

Ethan's journey have just begun & what a whirlwind it's been thus far. When I lay him down to sleep, I just can't wait for him to wake up to teach me more! It warms my heart every time to see my son so strong, so happy, so loved, so curious, so willful and so healthy.