This day

March 8, 2011 ~ Sixteen years ago today, my precious little girl graced us with her presence. This world would not have been a better place without Marisa in it. I would not been a better person without her.

Marisa often asked who she was more like, her dad or me. She is a reflection of all that is good from both me and her dad but most of all, she is her own person.  I have always encouraged Marisa to never be afraid to speak her mind and her voice can make a difference.  She definitely has a voice.

My dear Marisa, you are so amazing and I am so proud of you.  You must know that you are your dad's shinning star.  You are your brother's biggest love and you are my best hope for the future.  I love you!

My heart has wings

Valentine's Day 1987 ~ our first date, our first dance, our first kiss, our first glimpse of what to come.  My life was never the same, I was never the same and I would not want to change any of these moments...moments that took my breath away.

The anticipation of what to come made me feel like I had butterflies in my stomach.  Moments leading up to this day was something that really doesn't happen in real life, or so I thought.  

Van and I first met in the fall of 1986 at a dance held at the Herndon Community Center.  It was in passing when a friend introduced us. I said hello and continued my leap towards the dance floor.  Mind you, I was a senior in high school and life was just life.  I was not looking to fall in love.  I was not looking, period.  I was just ecstatic to be out dancing with my friends and having the freedom to do what I thought any young person was looking to do ~ having fun!  It never dawn on me that I would be so infatuated by this quite, slick, confident, snobby, handsome guy!  Boy, I was bitten really hard to the point of being a stocker!

Our first date was to the Valentine’s Day dance.  Our second date was the next day after the dance.  On our third date, I told him that I loved him.  With these words, I knew that he was the one that I wanted to grow old with.  

With any relationships, ours was not perfect at all.  Since we were so young, we had a lot of growing up to do.  We broke up but then found each other again.  He said that the second time around is “for keeps”.  It’s been many moons that we’ve shared our lives as well as our dreams together.  What I most admire my husband for is his love for our family, his never bending assurance, his soothing voice, his giving heart, and his zest for laughter.  What makes him most sexy is when he smothers our children with so much love. 

Although today is a day of love...I am thankful that I have everyday full of love and laughter.  I am a lucky girl. I feel that I too can fly!

 My precious daughter surprised me with these beautiful flowers. 

This time next week

I’m so excited that my husband will be home with us this time next week. I can't believe that time is just dragging by because we are waiting for his safe return. It's true that I've missed my husband, but I think my children miss him more.

In the beginning, I did miss not having him around to help with Ethan especially when Ethan was sick. I also missed him to bounce off ideas with. Although we called him practically every day, it’s not the same. After I looked at some pictures that we've taken over the holidays, I began to feel more upset and sadden with my husband. In our pictures, I can see how worried and stressed my husband has been. After looking at these pictures, I called my husband and told him that he looked so much like his father! He said that that was weird especially when his brother-in-law said the same thing when he was picked up at the airport. When my husband was home, I told him one, he's lost a lot of weight. Two, I told my husband that he looked like he has just lost his most prized possessions. Three, although we were unable to take this trip with him, I wanted him to go and take this time for himself. Four, I did not realized how tiring I’ve been to try and convince my husband that he needed to share his thoughts and feelings with me so that he could release some of the burden that he was carrying on his shoulders. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much. I thought that our relationship was better than that ~ where we are really open to one another but lately, I feel as though my husband doesn't trust to confide in me. In his defense, he said that he just doesn't want me to worry since I have Ethan to care for and also I have so much on my plate. Of course he is correct, I do have a lot riding on my shoulders but it still doesn't eliminate my concerns for my husband’s well being!

After watching The Oprah Winfrey show this week, I truly felt the void of not having my husband home. I missed my husband’s presence and his reminder that I matter to him and my children & that I am loved by him and by my children. It’s strange how one moment in life can have such a drastic impact on a person. In my situation, it’s been a chain of events that’s changed my life. Some changes were welcoming but some were like the plague! A profound statement that Oprah made, “Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past can be changed.” In that moment, I thought about how my life and the lives of my children should not be defined by the moments that took my soul away but rather by the moments that uplifted my spirit. Forgiveness is something that I can give to myself because the past can not be changed. Forgiveness should provide me with a voice. Forgiveness would enable me to tell the world that I choose life. Forgiveness is an opportunity for me to define my path and that doing what is right can only prevail in the end. Forgiveness is a choice. All this time, my husband’s been telling me that I have to give myself more credit than I actually do. I shall try. All that I have to do to be inspired is to glaze into my children's faces; things are where it should be.

Santa, all I want is for my son to be well

Christmas has always been a special time for me. Not only because this is the day that my Savior was born but it is also the time that I feel most like a child again. As we grow older, our innocence gets tainted and our needs become so overwhelming that the idea of Christmas gets lost in the hustle and bustled. My family and I went to the mall on Sunday and boy what a crazy place to be especially when you have a little boy who just wants to run free. Ethan wanted to walk around but the mall was packed and people were in a hurry. I’m so glad that my children don’t ask for much, otherwise, I’d be one of those folks who looked like a deer staring into headlights of an oncoming car!

I teach my children that Christmas is not just about receiving or even giving gifts but it’s about the moments that they could carry on for the rest of their lives. It’s been so many years but I still remember my favorite Christmas moments that I shared with my cousins, Tram (Jessica) and Ba (Anh), and my sister, Martha. What I remember of this special Christmas was that we got all dressed up in our long dresses and had dinner at my Aunt Mai’s apartment in Reston. We received a life size doll that we just were so thrilled to have. What I loved was the fact that we got all dressed in our best for Christmas Eve and shared dinner with our family. As I reflect back to that day, it almost seems that life was just perfect. For me, I was a child at that moment without any worries or responsibilities or troubles…just innocence and joy.

Now, another memory that I loved was our pretending to be someone…one, my cousins, my sister, and I pretended to “ice” skate around the apartment with our socks on. We pretended to be one of the skaters ~ Peggy Fleming and Dorathy Hamill and that we were stars. Another time, we played princesses…Cinderalla, Snow White, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), and Rapunzel (I think?). These are some of the moments that I still treasure, all great memories without having to spend any money. So you see; I may be one of the few folks who still believe that money doesn’t buy happiness. I hope that my children will make memories that will bring them joy as they grow.

All that I ever wanted was to have my own family. I wanted so many children but I’m blessed with two. I have three wishes for Christmas this year. My wish for Christmas is for Ethan to stay healthy. He’s been really sick and I thought that as Ethan grow, he would build up his immune system but that hasn’t been the case. I just want my baby boy to be able to breathe freely and for him to be healthy and strong. My second wish is for Marisa to know how proud we are of her. I wish that she would realize how much we believe in her and that if she really tries, she could accomplish anything. My third wish is for my husband to know how thankful I am for his continued love and support. I know that through thick and thin, we can accomplish much as long as we believe that we can.

Mothers

Saturday, Yai made a pot of soup and she prepared some fish for me to make for my husband, her son. A good mother will always worry about her children, no matter how old their children gets! What’s perplexing to me though is that some mothers are not as nurturing to their child/children. There is a saying that a leopard doesn't change its color, I guess that it could be true for a person. If that person doesn’t have a heart/empathy for her own children, then it’s a mute point to expect that she would have it for others. The sacrifices that my mother had made for us and Van’s mother made for them, I will always be amazed at and grateful for. I’m truly fortunate to have two great women in my life to show me what a great mother that I can become. By watching them, I learned to do and not to do, depending on circumstances.

My mother did not have a privileged life but she made do with what she had. My mother said that she wasn't much of a student but more of a laborer. My mother was prideful when she told me stories about being strong mouth when she was a young girl. She said that she was a tomboy who did not care what others were thinking. She said that what ever was on her mind, it would come out of her mouth. WOW...what a difference time make because my mother seems more reserved. In recent years, my mother seems more timid, very passive and less passionate about causes. It's hard for me to imagine that she’s lost that fire inside of her to fight or to stand up for what she believes in. I guess with time, one learns to differentiate what's most important to fight for and what's trivial and not worth ones time or energy. My mother told me once that she’s too old now to say much. She said that all that she wants to do now is step back and enjoy the show. WISDOM comes with age and this is what I’m striving to gain as I grow older.

Marisa has written two stories about my mother’s life that were pretty impressive. Just the thought that my daughter had listened to the stories that I’ve told and that my mother has told makes me really happy! I'm glad that Marisa still has opportunities to learn about our family's history directly from her grandmother. Yes, my mother had a really rough life and although she may have not been in a situation where she had any options, I’m grateful that she had chosen to continue to endure. When I became a mother and seeing how at times that my mother was a victim of her circumstances, I wanted to teach my children that they don’t have to accept what life has given to them. I want my children to know that we will always have choices and that they don’t have to go through life alone.

Every lesson that my mother has taught me, I find myself teaching to my daughter. One main lesson is of hard work. My mother puts 110% into everything that she does. She is a hard worker, dedicated to accomplishing every goal, and determined to do everything on her own. Another lesson is patience. My mother would always say to “otte ow” in every situations (which translates to wait first). What I’m doing with this lesson is to teach my children to only wait for certain circumstances. Sometimes it may be necessary to go after things rather than waiting around for things to happen. At times, good things may only come to those who strive for them. Another situation that I am teaching my children is to NOT wait when situations put them in harms way. I want my children to be safe, loved and happy.

My mother-in-law is a strong woman who raised her children without a man by her side. She is kind, smart, very business oriented, cautious, and truly resourceful. She doesn’t hesitate to help and have always been able to find solutions to any situation. Not only is she prideful, she is also a great example for me to emulate. My mother-in-law has taught me that it’s okay for me to stand my ground when it is a right thing to do. She said that I don’t need to conform to what others are doing since doing what is right will only make me happy in the long run. My mother-in-law doesn’t believe in taking sides, she figures that eventually, things will work out between the two parties and that being neutral puts you in a better situation. My mother-in-law believes that in order to attain happiness in life, one must do good deeds. I know that this character trait is great to possess, but I’m teaching my children to first make certain that they are happy before trying to make others happy.

My mother-in-law is a great cook. I’ve been trying to get her to let me watch how she cooks so that her recipe will continue on with our family but she’s not too thrilled to have me in the kitchen while she’s cooking. I’ve been told that a great chef rarely likes to have too many hands in the pot! My mother doesn’t like to have too many people in the kitchen while she’s cooking too. There are so many things that I want to learn from my mother-in-law; however, I would settle for learning how to make all of her secret sauces for everything, her Thai deserts, her Poh Loh “pork & eggs soup”, and her sweet & sour beef with tendon soup. Same thing with my mother, I want to learn how to make Sen Kow Wan “sweet stir-fried pork”, her Mee Kla Teh “curry noodle soup”, and her Catalina Chicken (something that she created when we lived in Montana).

Both mothers believe in doing good for others…I don’t know if this is an Asian thing but they both feel this sense of service. Don’t take it the wrong way; I think that being able to help others is something that we all should strive to do. I’m teaching my children that they must first love themselves before giving love to others. I never wanted my children to feel that they are less important than others. I want them to feel empowered and to feel loved. I’m thankful that these two amazing ladies have instilled in me these characteristics that I’m able to teach my children. One main thing that I’ve learned about my mother-in-law and my mother is that they are both so humble. They don’t want to be praised nor do they want us to shower them with all the riches on this world. They both just want to be included, involved or thought of. They don’t ask for money, they don’t ask for anything but…just want to be remembered. One thing for sure, I’m grateful to them. So my dearest mothers, thank-you so dearly for my life’s lessons.

Saturday, not in the mood

Ethan and I feel asleep at 8:03 last night. Loudoun County Schools were delayed for two hours but I kept Ethan home with me. Ethan was a little feverish and has a runny nose so I wanted to keep him in from the blistering cold. By six o'clock, Ethan was ready for bed even though he was struggling to stay up to wait on his daddy. I kept calling for Van but his phone went straight to the answering machine. I spoke to him briefly at around four but since he was in Maryland, he was not supposed to be on the phone while driving so he said that we would call later. Ethan and I just waited around for Marisa to return home from school. Ethan did not want to drink his milk nor eat anything. My baby's face was red and his nose was too. Poor Ethan, I hope that he is not in pain.

Thursday, the school was closing two hours early due to the snow. I asked the teachers to put Ethan on the bus because it would make things much easier and safer for Ethan. Van and I waited at the bus stop for a long time. We did not know what was going on or whether the teachers got confused about sending Ethan on the bus. I tried calling the school but the phone was busy. I figured that it would be very hectic for them since this was the first “snow early closures”. We headed to the school and saw Ethan's bus was still waiting on the children. I got out to ask one of the mom if something was wrong. She said that when the schools have early dismissals, the children don't get to leave until 12:45. I had no idea...was really worried that something had happened. Van and I went into Ethan's classroom to pick him up. Our boy was so thrilled to see us and I was even more excited to see him.

Saturday ~ it actually was really sunny out. Ethan got up early, 3:15 am! I did not want Van to have to stay up with our son because of work so I ended up going downstairs with Ethan. Ethan was having difficulties sleeping because of his stuffy nose. We were downstairs watching a movie but Ethan was calling for his sister. I don't think he realized that it was still dark out and that it was still sleeping time. I tried to stay awake but by five o'clock, I was ready to go back to sleep. I pretended to sleep so that Ethan could close his eyes. By the time I woke up at six, Ethan was sleeping right next to me under the Christmas tree. I was too tired to look for a camera but this image in itched into my mind so I hope to not forget! Van came downstairs at around seven to go and do his deliveries. I did not realized that my husband had turn down the heat...while I was sleeping, I noticed how cold it was getting and all along, my husband was the one who did it. Thank goodness that Ethan slept for a bit longer and by the time Marisa woke up, we were ready to head on out to Yai's house.

Although I was not in the mood to go shopping, I had to take grandma to the Korean and Vietnamese grocery stores. She wanted to get all of the food ready for her Christmas dinner and also to have some food for the week. I left Ethan with Marisa, Ashley and Thida since he was not feeling well to be out and about. We were on the road at 2:56 and by the time we arrived at the store, it was close to 3:30! Thida called to see where we were since the girls left already. Thida had an appointment with Mina at four so we ended up having to rush back home. Thida called back at around 4:06 to let me know that Celina was home and that I did not need to rush home but it was already too late...I was on Backlick Road and was about ten minutes out. I miss my son any which way and was glad that I could come home to see him. When I walked into the house, Ethan was so happy to see me. My joy...he is such a sweet boy.

Too cold for a fire drill

This is Ethan's "tired so take me to bed look".

Wednesday ~ gosh, by seven o'clock in the evening, Ethan was ready for bed. By the time Marisa and I finished watching The Ghost Whisperer, Ethan was ready to go upstairs. Ethan called for daddy but I had to tell Ethan that daddy was on his way home. Ethan fell asleep by 8:07! Pretty sweet because I was able to work on another scarf. My hubby came into the room to let me know that Loudoun County School called to inform all parents that the school may be closed in the morning and to watch the news. It's a good thing that Ethan was asleep when Van came into the room. My baby boy is always rattled when his daddy is around...yes, they like to place rough together and it takes a while to get Ethan calm down for bed!

My sweet baby boy is drinking less milk but he loves his apple juice mixed with water. I love watching Ethan drink from a straw...most parents are not going understand how important this is to me. The struggles that a child may have in drinking thin liquid....boy, I don't wish this on anyone. Ethan aspirates on liquid; however, my baby has worked really hard to learn how to drink from an open cup and also through a straw. It's a BIG accomplishment because for a moment, Ethan's doctors had insisted that we put a G-tube on Ethan to help with his feeding. Thank goodness that we were able to encourage my baby boy to learn how to drink with thickened liquid.When I woke up this morning, it was already 7:20! I knew that we were going to be late to school, again. I turned on the news to check on the status of school closings and/or delays. With that, it took awhile to NOT find Loudoun County on the list of school closings and delays. I was bummed for a quick moment but I knew that being with other children is only going to help Ethan learn. By 8:30, I was finished with Ethan on his nebulizer and getting him dressed for school. Ethan made it hard for me to dress him since he was not ready to wake up and plus it was a bit chilly to be naked in the morning. When daddy came to help with Ethan, my little boy was ready to run downstairs!

We arrived late to school. What made us even more late to class was the fire drill. Thank goodness that we were there when this happened since we were able to help with getting Ethan out. It's hectic in Ethan's class so I'm glad that we were barely dropping our son off. Of course, while walking out into the cold air, I thought to myself of why would the school have a fire drill in a 20 degree weather. ??????Ethan looked confused when he saw that we were walking away from his classroom and that all of the kids were walking outside. When Ethan realized that we were not going to just leave, he was happy again. Well, he was happy having daddy carry him. Ethan was pretty content to have both of us there to walk him to class. I am so blessed for this opportunity to see my son's gleaming face every moment possible.

Homemade

My, my, my...it's so blistering cold out! Although Ethan stayed home from school yesterday, I had to take him to Children's Hospital for his speech. By noon, Ethan was feeling better and since we've missed all of his sessions in November, I didn't want Ethan to miss any opportunities with his therapist.Tuesday, we headed out of the house at around 12:45 and the wind seemed to have picked up a bit. It was so cold and it was really hard to carry my big boy into the car. This is when I really missed having my husband and my daughter with me...it was difficult to juggle all the stuff that I had. When we arrived at the office, I bundled Ethan up so that he would not be so cold. My boy started to cry and made a loud squeal because he was really covered from head to toe! I used one of my jackets as a blanket to block the wind but it really didn’t help much. I think that Ethan was more upset because he was not able to see the world under all the coverings.

It took Ethan a while to get reacquainted with his therapist. Thank goodness that it only took Ethan a few minutes to feel comfortable and I was fine to leave him. While I waited for my baby boy, I started on Marisa's scarf. I was half way through knitting Marisa her scarf the way that she had asked but then she decided last night that it was too wide. Now mind you that I’ve already told her that she did not need the scarf to be wide but she insisted that that’s what she wanted. My daughter, she always wants to test things out before she “knows” something to be true. I had to redo the whole thing but I was happy to. I just wanted to make certain that she was happy with the scarf since we spent a long time finding the "perfect" color for her.

After Ethan’s appointment, we went to pick Marisa up from school. She had to stay after for English so Ethan and I waited around. What was cute was when I saw Marisa; she was wearing the hat that I made for Ethan. I had offered to make one for Marisa but she said that she’s not a hat person. She asked for me to make a scarf instead. Seeing the hat on her, I told her how cute it was and that I could make her one too. I told my daughter that I would make a matching set for her…she was pretty happy and said thank-you mommy. Marisa also said that she had received a lot of compliments at school on the hat. Marisa said that her friends were surprised to find out that it was homemade. One of her friend asked Marisa to ask me to make her a scarf too.

Today, I finally finished with Marisa’s scarf but I just needed to double check with Marisa on the length. I’m going to start on a new scarf for my husband, he requested for a “manly” looking scarf. After this, I will start on another scarf for Marisa’s friend before getting a chance to work on Marisa’s hat.

Here we go again...stuffy nose, watery eyes, etc.

Marisa...Marisa...Marisa...mommy said not to kiss your brother...now he is home sick with your cold! Ethan was up all night because he had difficulties with getting comfortable and breathing.

Marisa got sick from being out Friday night for her friend's birthday. It was blistering cold out that night and Marisa with her friends were outside getting their pictures taken. Yes, it was not a great idea but oh to be young and foolish. I told Marisa to put on gloves and a hat but that would not do! One day, my daughter may realize that mommy is usually right...most of the time!

It's been in the low 30's and I hate having to take Ethan out. We didn't do much this weekend. On Saturday when Marisa woke up, we went to get food at the Vietnamese store off of 606. On Sunday, we went to Costco and then to a Korean grocery store. Marisa and Ethan stayed in the car with the exception of running in and out of the car to the house. Well, it was bad to be out on Sunday especially when it was raining really hard. I went and picked up some ducks and pork for our Christmas dinner. Marisa wanted spring rolls for dinner so it was good that we were able to get everything.

Monday, Van had a dentist appointment and needed to do an in-home repair in DC. After his appointment, we came home to pick Ethan up from school. We decided to ride along with Van to his work in Gainesville, Tysons and then DC. My children miss having daddy around since he's been busy with doing deliveries on the weekend. This was a chance for Ethan to see his daddy so we went with him on his job assignment. We finally arrived in DC at 4:30 so we sat around and waited for the lady to return home. When Van finally finished at around 6:15; our little boy was fast asleep. We decided to drop by Eden to pick up dinner. Marisa wanted wonton soup and I was not in the mood to cook so we picked up some roasted duck, roasted pork, Vietnamese coffee, and wonton noodle soup.

Last night, it wasn't until 10:30 when Marisa came into the room. I was trying to get Ethan to bed but he wanted for me to read to him. It was so cute that he was trying to repeat every word that I was saying…I love to hear Ethan’s voice when he makes the sound of the actual word! Yes, it was really late too but because Ethan had a late nap...he was not about to make going to bed easy on us. Marisa wanted to see Ethan sing before going to bed so she just hovered over her baby brother even though I had asked for her to not smoother him. She's sick and I just did not want Ethan to catch a cold from her...didn't listen so here we go again...stuffy nose, watery eyes, etc.

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Hola, como esta?

In order to foster Marisa's learning and understanding of the Spanish language, I've encouraged Marisa to continue with taking Spanish. I wanted Marisa to have a positive and enjoyable experience in this class and firmly believed that she would appreciate a more in-depth look of the language and culture by taking Spanish IV.

Well, my intentions were good but my execution was bad. I forced my daughter to take this class even though she insisted on not continuing with learning Spanish. Marisa only needed to take three years of a foreign language but I wanted her to "look" good on paper when she apply for colleges. I thought that by continuing with Spanish, this would substantiate that Marisa was committed to continuing her education. I wanted Marisa to prove that she could stick to something longer than the requirements. I've been told that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and in this case, hell is where Marisa is with her Spanish teacher and class!

Marisa returned from school yesterday and told me that she had received a zero on her assignment. I was floored, of course. She said that her teacher accused her of plagiarism, which I totally disagreed. Under the rules that the teacher had provided, "You may NOT consult other outside sources such as peers, native speakers or online translators. These will be deemed as plagiarism, unethical, and a violation of Freedom’s honor code, that will result in a grade of zero “0” for the assignment in which they were used." I remember this assignment, Marisa had asked for me to look at her work but I don't know Spanish well so I recommended for Marisa to look online.

I feel responsible that Marisa was penalized for something that I’ve encouraged for her to do. I understand that it is imperative for students in a foreign language at this level to abide by the rules and complete their own work. I believe that Marisa tried her best to complete the assignment on her own. It never dawn on me that when I told Marisa to look up words from the online Spanish to English dictionary that I was asking her to plagiarize. The choice that Marisa made was due to my recommendation and I sincerely believe that Marisa did not believe that what she did was wrong. I, myself, did not think that it was wrong to advise Marisa to take initiative and do further research on her assignment. I guess that this is a hard lesson that both Marisa and I must learn. The biggest lesson that I’m teaching Marisa is that she must continue to try her best. I also told Marisa that in life, there are always opportunities for someone to do better than before. I just don't want Marisa to be discouraged because her teacher was not willing to reconsider her situation. I know that sometimes it's not just black or white but at times there's other colors in between. I told Marisa that as long as I know that she is putting in every effort to try her best, I'm happy with that. I also told Marisa that her dad and I have every confidence that she is capable of attaining anything as long as she try...never give my baby girl.

Confused

Yes, I'm a bit bummed out because of what's going on at Ethan's school. The teacher said that Ethan has difficulties keeping his hands to himself. What is this world coming to when I have to teach my child that he is not allow to hug and kiss someone outside of his family. How am I going to explain to Ethan that he is not allowed to be compassionate or affectionate with his peer? I received a note from school this past Friday and it stated that Ethan's been doing a lot of stuff that was not appropriate. The note stated that Ethan grabbed Aydan's fingers, pushed Shayan from his chair, and gave another boy a kiss on his cheeks. Ethan is one of two kids with Down but all of the other children are regular with delayed learning. My quick reaction was to question the fact that we have Ethan in school. When we were informed that Ethan was getting too old to continue with his in-home early intervention program, my husband and I were very apprehensive about letting Ethan be in someone else’s care. We knew that the day would come where we have to allow Ethan to be with other children and learn to be self sufficient. I just want to be with Ethan 24/7 but I know that it’s not the best solution for my baby boy. My husband and I thought that by placing Ethan in a learning environment with other children, our son would learn and grow. Now, I'm pretty doubtful of our decision just because of the behavior that Ethan is displaying. Ethan loves to imitate so I wonder if Ethan is in a better environment when he is with others. I know that the teacher had mentioned that this new behavior just started when Ethan returned from the Thanksgiving break...I'm really watching how my son is reacting when he is at home and when he is with others. I know that I can't be there to protect my son every moment of his life but this in not making me feel good knowing that my son would be restricted to be himself!

Today, the teacher’s assistance commented on how Ethan can take care of himself. She said that it doesn’t matter if the other person is big or small; Ethan is not hesitating to stand his ground and defend it! Oh my goodness, is my boy a brute? I know that he does not have a mean bone in his body but I also know that he does not like to be bothered when he is trying to be independent. Ethan is learning to be self sufficient; he likes to feel like a big boy. Ethan loves to do things on his own…putting on and taking off his clothes, closing and opening the doors, flushing the toilet, opening and closing a container, brushing his teeth, taking off and putting on his shoes, writing and drawing with a magic marker, pen and pencil, climbing and jumping off of the couch, touching our faces, kissing and hugging on his own without any prompting, running away from us so that we could catch him, pouring rice on the floor and playing with them, pouring the water spout on the water cooler (this drives me crazy because I have no way to lock this thing), turning on and off his portable DVD player, and just being his curious self. How can I punish Ethan without making him feel that he is not loved? I know, I know, I’m more incline to be protective and smothering of Ethan…just because!

November was so rough for my baby boy and it is not an excuse that I am using to be so affectionate to my son. He went to the ER three times and we had the EMS folks over at the house once. I wish that Ethan could be one of those snow birds so that he could fly south for the winter. Well, I wish that we could all be snow birds so that we could be in Thailand during the winter months. Oh wouldn’t it be so perfect if we were on a tropical island somewhere right now?

In his three years of life, my boy has gone through more than most adults have. Even so, Ethan is pure joy to watch and marvel at. It’s taken some people a life time to learn to be empathetic, compassionate, loving, kind, sincere, happy, pure hearted and everything that my son is…a child of God. I pray for others to be more understanding, more tolerant and more accepting of something that is meant to be good. Ethan is God’s gift to us and I am thankful that God has plans for Ethan. I know that Ethan was given to me to make a difference in all the lives that he has touched. I know that my angel was given the opportunity to make a huge impact in all the lives that he will touch. For now, I just have to be his mother and teach him all that is good. Words can not describe how I feel about why my son has a special place in my heart…all that I know is how truly blessed I feel when I glazed upon Ethan’s face.

Cold hands, lips, faces but warm heart

Oh my goodness...it is freezing out! It is so darn cold that my son's hands, lips and face were pretty cool to my touch. Ethan wasn't too thrilled to walk down the hallway into his class this morning. The reason why Ethan was so sluggish was because he was waiting on his daddy to walk with him. My husband had to stay in the car this morning because he dropped us off at the curb where the school bus entered...can't leave the car unattended. Ethan kept calling for his daddy but I had to keep nudging him to keep on walking. It was really hard for Ethan to hear me and anyone else since I have him so bundled up with the exception of wearing gloves and a ski mask! The teacher's assistance said that Ethan looked like an Eskimo...I for one thought that Ethan looked like a baby bear wandering in the woods. Yes, Ethan looked a little lost without his daddy by his side. Ethan kept calling for "daddthy"...this is how Ethan pronounces "daddy". Ethan makes every effort to stick his tongue out when he calls his father. We are working on this by telling Ethan that he does not have to stick out his tongue every time he calls for daddy.

Sparkled and zapped! My husband came to give me a kiss goodbye and to thank me for helping him with work. When his lips touched mine, I was zapped. Yes, it's magical when my husband is really gentle and romantic and I adore him so desperately. This time though, it was because of the friction between the carpet, my hair, his gloves, his jacket, the computer, my body and his. My husband's lips and face was really cold because he had just taken the trash out and had started his car. I'm not complaining, I'll take all the kisses that my husband has to offer when I least expect them.

Gosh, I remember when this happen to Ethan while he was giving me a kiss. My poor little monkey bear did not understand what had just happen to him. Ethan looked at me with a puzzled stare and all that I could do at the moment was give Ethan a big hug, a quick laughter, a tight squeeze, and another kiss. How was I going to explain the laws of science to this darling little boy? Ethan turned around and continued to play with his toys as if his world was just where it was suppose to be ~ love, laughter, hugs and kisses.

Oh yes, last night when I pulled Ethan's blanket and placed it on Ethan, I saw flashes of electrical sparks. Ethan doesn't like to have covers on him while he is sleeping but it got really cold last night and I was concern that Ethan would be cold too. This little monkey kicked all of the covers off of him while sound asleep...it was just me who was up wrestling with the idea of how to keep Ethan warm and comfortable even though I saw how peaceful my little baby was. A mother's job is never done even when the lights are off and the world is asleep.

Crazy Saturday

Went for a drive! Actually, Marisa drove to the South Riding recreation center to practice the Waltz for her friend's birthday party. Marisa thought that the rehearsal was at the Town Hall pool but then she found out that it was at the recreation center. Now I love my children with all of my heart and will but at times, they are really testing me. Marisa knew that we were supposed to be going to the Northern Virginia Down Syndrome Association's Christmas party. This would be Ethan's first time going. Ethan was unable to attend in previous celebrations due to illnesses and other issues. I was looking forward to having my entire family attend this event for Ethan.

When Marisa said that she had to be at the rehearsal for her friend's special day, I understood. When my husband was offer additional work for home delivery and home repair services, I understood. When I was asked to meet up with someone at around three at Tysons to pick up some stuff, I understood. I am only one person and sometimes it's really hard to stretch myself so thin! I just wanted to go to the party so that Ethan could be with other people who are just as touchy and affectionate as he. No one in my family seems to have understood the reason why it was really important for me to have everyone there for Ethan. I was more determined to have Ethan meet other children with Down so that I could be reassured that it's okay for Ethan to be affectionate and compassionate.

What I finally figured out was that it was me who was insecure about how Ethan was behaving. My thought was that if a child acts a certain way, it's a huge reflection of who their parents are. I thought that I was not giving all that I could give to my son even though I know that Ethan is just perfect. All kids are going to learn & display good and bad behaviors. I know that we just have to have patience and be there for Ethan to teach him the differences. The part that I'm worried about is whether my baby would understand the differences between the actions as being bad verses him being bad. I pray that my precious son understand how much we love him and that he will never be a bad boy. When I look at my Ethan, I’m at awe with how much he does comprehend what’s going on around him. When I ask for Ethan to do something, he’ll do it with a big smile. At times, Ethan is really stubborn to do what I am asking but hey, his daddy and his sister are just as stubborn when they don’t want to do something. This is not a Down thing but a Than thing. Please give me strength to break their stubbornness by allowing me to smoother them with an overwhelming love.

Ethan was such a delight at the Christmas party. My son was so happy to watch, listen and dance to two ladies singing on the stage. Ethan was quite a joy to watch ~ I love seeing my son laugh and run around. When other people approached Ethan with open arms, my heart melted seeing how warm and compassionate my son was towards them. I feel in my heart that my son does not have any mean bones in his body. Ethan is very loving, very gentle, very sweet, very kind, very funny, very inquisitive, very stubborn, and much loved. I know that as parents, we must teach our children to be cautious of people. With great sadness, I also know that I have to teach Ethan that there are people out there in this world who would hurt others. These people may not have to be total strangers, which is the worst part! I pray that my son will never have to experience any ugliness in his lifetime. I pray that I can stay strong for my baby and continue to teach him all that is good in this world.

Snow!

It's seven o'clock this Friday evening and we saw snowflakes fluttering in the wind. Ethan and I were on our way home from Yai's and was just pulling into our neighborhood when I saw little specks of white flakes. At first glance, I thought that these flakes were little confetti so I looked at the temperature on the dashboard. The temperature registered at 37 degrees so I thought that it wasn't cold enough to snow. Never dawn on me to mention this to Marisa when she came outside to greet me and Ethan. Thank goodness that I have my daughter to help bring Ethan in...my back was hurting a bit. Marisa came outside with only her sweatpants and a tank top and no shoes ~ she then exclaimed how cold it was! Yes, my child is special...don't know why she did not think that it's going to be very cold out being that it's December and it's in the 30's!

Any how, Marisa wanted to go and check to see if she had received her learner's permit. Marisa was so excited since she found out that her friend had received his in the mail today. Of course I had checked the mailbox earlier and knew that she had received her permit but forgot to tell her when I called her. Marisa came into the house and told me that it was snowing...I guess it's cold enough.

My chunky monkey bear was really happy to walk to class today. Ethan was happy because daddy was there to drop him off. Ethan's teacher said that Ethan pinched a boy in class yesterday while they were playing with the train set. The teacher said that she left Ethan and the boy while she was having a one-on-one time with another child. She wasn't sure if the other child did something to make Ethan react the way that he did. The teacher said that she should have taken Ethan too but who knew? What am I going to do with Ethan? If I'm not with him to tell him that he's not allow to hurt someone else, how is he going to learn that it's not him that's bad but it's the BEHAVIOR that is not acceptable? My poor baby boy...my first reaction is to protect Ethan. My second is figuring out ways to help make Ethan understand that we love him but that it's the behavior that we are not happy with. Ethan's teacher was being kind by saying that she's noticed that Ethan is being very protective/guarded over his space and things ~ that Ethan is defending himself. Are we not giving Ethan enough attention? Are we not providing Ethan with everything that he is needing? Oh my goodness, I know that he is only three but I'm dreading that I'm not doing enough for my child because I have him in school rather than keeping him home.

Before leaving Ethan, I talked to him to try and explain that he must learn how to share or else he would not be able to play with the train set. I also told Ethan that he must be a good boy and that I love him. Ethan answered "yes, yes" and smiled at me. Now, I don't know if Ethan understood what I was trying to tell him but I was hoping that he does.
When I returned to pick Ethan up at school, the teacher said that Ethan is doing better. He had some difficulties but nothing bad as pushing and pinching another child. Okay...I need to keep on top of this...Ethan is going to have to learn how to play with other kids. My husband and I have already discussed this issue with Marisa. Of course, while typing this little page...I can hear Marisa screaming "NO" at Ethan...and "OW". Have to go and check on my two babies...Marisa, at times, doesn't realize that Ethan is much, much, much younger than she. Music to my earns when I hear Marisa bickering with her brother...I know how much she loves Ethan...but I love it too when she becomes the baby. Yes, if I can freeze these moments, I would forever.

A poem written on 2/15/2008

A Perfect Day for Ethan

Good morning sunshine

A whole new day have just begun

What should we do my precious little one?

Should we take a bath before we start our day?

Should we eat before we begin to play?

Should we play hide and seek inside?

Should we get dressed to go outside?

Good afternoon my precious little baby

Take a look at this bright sunny day

What else should we do my sweet little one?

Should we count from 1 to 3?

Should we work on our ABCs?

Should we read our book out loud?

Should we glaze at the fluffy clouds?

Should we have a picnic in the park?

Should we do all this before it gets dark?

Good evening my sweet little babe

What a day it’s been so far

What more should we do my precious little angel

Should we sing our favorite songs?

Should we dance to a happy song?

Should we clean up first before we eat?

Should we wash our hands and feet?

Should we give our family a hug and a kiss?

Should we tell them how much they are missed?

Good night my sweet darling

Have a wonderful dream while you sleep tonight

I love you in the morning

I love you during the day

I love you in the evening

I love you more every single day

Second day of December - pushing and pulling

My universe is off today or was it yesterday? I can't believe that it's Thursday already and the week is going by too quickly. Ethan is doing well so far this week...he's been waking up early enough to go to school. Ethan was a bit tired this morning but I don’t blame him. It was so cold to be out of bed and to get Ethan dressed for school. Ethan kept calling for daddy to come and see him while he was drinking his milk and having his nebulizer treatment. I’ve been giving Ethan his treatment in the morning before school just to prepare my baby for the day’s activities. I noticed on Tuesday that there is a little boy who is coughing and has a runny nose so I’m dreading that Ethan will follow. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for Ethan to stay healthy. Also, I sent two bottles of water for Ethan. I have to mix his liquid with Honey Thick in order for Ethan to drink in school. I’ve been watching to make certain that Ethan doesn’t overdue in his intake of liquid without being thicken. Ethan is becoming an expert in drinking from a cup and also in feeding himself with a spoon.

When we dropped Ethan off this morning, his teacher told me that Ethan’s been pushing another kid around. The teacher said that at times, this kid may have deserved it…of course I said no kids deserve to be pushed around. I told the teacher that we do not condone this type of behavior so I asked the teacher to say “NO, NO” to Ethan with her finger pointing at him. Ethan saw and heard what I was saying and doing so he turned around to face me. I then told Ethan that he is not allowed to push, hit, or shove another person. I told Ethan that he must be a good boy and must share. Ethan looked at me with a concentrated face so I kissed his nose and told my baby that I love him. Ethan’s teacher said that this behavior is new, it’s only been one week, and she said that Ethan is very protective of his space, toys and other stuff that he is playing with. She said that the other boy's been getting into Ethan’s space, face, and taunting Ethan too. No excuses...we do not encourage Ethan to be rough with anyone. I told the teacher that Ethan tends to want to be left alone to play and does not like for people to bother or fuss with him when he is in that mode. Ethan is becoming very independent and wants some time for himself. It’s hard too because when Ethan is with us, he has free range to explore and to express himself without any obstructions. When he is with others, he gets pushed and pulled and at times been hurt by others, which is hard on us especially when we don’t want Ethan to learn this behavior. Plus, it’s difficult for us to control other people’s children so we just try to teach Ethan by telling him no or it’s not nice to do that or you should share or the other kid wants time out and not want to play right now. If and only if we can get other parents to do the same for their kids, we would not have this issue of bullying, right?